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At all times, through various channels, such as the media and social networks, they sell us a model of perfection that simply does not exist. Nothing, absolutely nothing, and no one, absolutely no one, is perfect.
The obsession with perfectionism is a heavy burden that we carry involuntarily. Why? No one is born with that illusion, with that obsession. It is something that we learn from the example of those around us, from what our parents teach us, especially in the first years of life. And we assume it as if it were an unavoidable task. And it is not.
It is also a responsibility that overwhelms us and causes anxiety over time. We are so obsessed with doing everything perfectly that we forget that we are human beings and, therefore, we make mistakes. More often and in a more unpleasant way than we would like, but it is something that we cannot avoid.
In fact, it is not good for us. Do you know why? Because error, which has been demonized by the educational model, is the main and most valuable source of learning. There are other paths, no doubt, but none as accurate and effective as error. Which, moreover, helps us realize what our limits and defects are, what we need to improve.
The obsession with perfection is linked to expectations. According to the dictionary, it is the “Hope of achieving or achieving something” or the “Reasonable possibility of something happening.” They sell us high expectations, which are often far from our reach, at least at that particular moment, and they put too heavy a burden on our shoulders.
Expectations, ultimately, are unattainable goals, beliefs that we have about the fact that we must strive harder to meet internal standards of performance that are increasingly higher. Or, worse still, standards that are imposed by others and to which we docilely submit without realizing the damage they cause us in the long term.
The first thing you must understand and accept is that the goals of perfectionists are unattainable, as are their dreams, which are nothing more than an invention of the mind. It makes no sense, then, to wear yourself out in a situation that is not going to give you the result you expect. Instead, save that energy for something worthwhile in your life.
Second, you must know what the manifestations of the obsession with perfection are, because you cannot fight an enemy when you do not know what it is or who it is. One of them is destructive self-criticism, feeling inferior, worthless, and focusing exclusively on your weaknesses and shortcomings, without appreciating and valuing the virtues and strengths you possess.
It is also important to understand that this destructive self-criticism is learned and, generally, is tied to painful episodes from your past. Yes, deep wounds that have not yet healed and that from time to time surface again. For example? Abuse suffered in childhood, violent relationships, traumas caused by different types of harassment and more.
Third, this obsession with perfection is also a response to the excessive conditioning that is given by the teaching we receive in childhood. “If you don’t eat, your grandparents will stop loving you”. Or “Do your chores or the gift that dad promised you won’t arrive,” thoughts that are recorded in the mind and push us to try to be perfect.
Fourth, the perfectionist suffers too much when it comes to delegating tasks or functions, or trusting others, because he assumes that “no one will do it as well as me.” They are people who, likewise, face great difficulties when it comes to working in a team because they are reactive, always on the defensive and need to have total control of the situation.
Fifth, growing up in environments governed by overprotection leads us down the winding path of perfectionism. Why? Because we are told so many times and in so many ways “you are the best”, “no one is like you” or “you are invincible” that we generate expectations that are impossible to meet. The problem is that our self-esteem depends on external factors.
Sixth, something that is increasingly common, we fall into the trap of perfectionism when we have been raised in homes of very successful parents, especially in the professional and economic fields. We are required, at the very least, to match the bar that they have set and nothing less is accepted, under penalty of being labeled as “mediocre” or “failures”.
Seventh, the low tolerance for what we call failure is another cause of this perverse obsession. Why? Because we assume failure as an end point, as the end of a path, when in reality it is simply a stopover, a sign that tells us that we are going in the wrong direction. It is a burden that produces a lot of fear in us.
The multiple manifestations of his obsession make others uncomfortable, who end up pushing him aside. Then, this search ends in a different destination than expected: the perfectionist is left alone, and does not understand why.
Assuming this attitude, in short, will only lead us down a path of difficulties, problems and continuous confrontations with others. The perfectionist sooner or later disconnects from their environment, becomes resentful and frustrated because no one understands them. The worst part? They are overcome with desolation when they realize that they are far from perfect.
Now, like any coin, this one also has another side. Yes, because there is a type of perfectionism that is good, positive. Did you know that? The problem is that we are unaware of this reality because this is another of so many issues that have been demonized. The reality, however, is that healthy perfectionism exists and, furthermore, it is necessary!
Do you know what healthy perfectionism is? It is the ability to bounce back from failure, to get up after a fall, to not give up when life gets tough. It is not stubbornness, it is not a whim: it is the ability to accept your limitations and your mistakes and, based on them, give yourself a new opportunity.
The reason why most people fail in their intention to lose weight or lead a healthy lifestyle is because they set expectations that are too high. And, of course, they cannot meet them. Then, they get frustrated, feel defeated, see themselves as failures and prefer to give up instead of trying again, but in the right way.
An example of this healthy perfectionism is offered by athletes. A tennis player loses more matches than they win, but that is not an obstacle to continue training, to look for new techniques and strategies, to demand more from himself physically and mentally. In the end, those who make history, those who achieve resounding and unforgettable successes, are those who do not give up.
You will never, in any case, hear an elite athlete say that he wants to be perfect. His goal is to overcome his limits, raise the bar, reach more challenging goals. In the end, and this is the essence of healthy perfectionism, it is about being in constant evolution, growing in different aspects, not conforming and understanding that the rival to beat is yourself.
There are two other types of perfectionism that are little known because they are the least widespread, perhaps because human beings love extremes. They are self-directed perfectionism (SDP) and other-oriented perfectionism (OOP). Did you know that they existed? It is important to know what they consist of and how not to overdo it.
Self-directed perfectionism refers to perfectionist behaviors that arise from us and return to us. They are self-demands that we impose on ourselves and that in practice manifest themselves as permanent dissatisfaction with what we do and because we focus on the negative, on what we lack. It is self-demand taken to the extreme.
Meanwhile, other-oriented perfectionism is related to the high expectations that we place on those who have contact with us. For example, our children, subordinates at work or partners. We demand that they be perfect because we believe that is what we deserve and we do not accept anything less. It is a perverse obsession.
A final facet of perfectionism is that known as socially prescribed. It is probably the most common. It is the demands that other people around us impose on us in each of the activities we carry out. Ultimately, they become obstacles that break the bond because we are unable to meet those expectations.
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